A New Year

I don't really agree with New Year's Resolutions, so that is not what this is about! It is simply a post about it being a New Year. I think it is fun to start new and to have goals in mind to make myself better. However, I feel like I make these goals daily for myself. However, there are a few things that I would like to do better throughout this whole year, so I thought I would share them. These are listed in no particular order, but rather just a bucket list for the year. I am posting it because I would like to post more, but also because then you can keep me accountable this year for all of you who actually read this :)

1. Graduate! (May 12, 2012)
2. Find a job in this area. Preferably before graduation, but even soon after would be great.
3. Support my husband in his job search as he also graduates in May :)
4. Work out at least 3 days/week. Today I played Just Dance 3 for 45 minutes as starting to run again kind of scares me!
5. Spend more time in the word.
6. Stay in touch with family and friends even better aka more frequently.
7. Write something down each day that I am thankful for and then look at them at the end of the year to understand God's blessings and how great they are for me.
8. Write here more to help in that reflection/sharing life goal.
9. End my graduate career well and not disappoint others I work with when my time will be strapped thin this semester looking for a job after this one.
10. Maintain a positive attitude. Those of you who know me understand that this is not my natural outlook, but hopefully I can make it that way.

Just a few things to make me a better light to the world and to make 2012 a year of understanding blessings! Anything you are looking to do differently this year? If so, please share below.

A Much Needed Rest

This weekend was really great. First of all, I didn't have to work and I was not on-call :) That means that on Friday, it was truly the weekend! But, to explain how great my weekend was, I really need to start on Thursday night.

Sam and I had the blessing to go to a family's house that are members at our church to eat dinner, play with the kids and watch them while the mom was at music practice for Sunday morning (the dad was in India for business). We LOVE this family and try to get out there as much as possible. It truly feels like a home to us and we are incredibly blessed to be included in their family sometimes.

Friday night, we had learned about a band playing at a local brewery that we had been wanting to try, but hadn't been able to yet. Also, the band knew someone from our church. So we had a great time listening to a new, fun, blue grass band with church friends drinking beer and even doing some square dancing (well me, not Sam of course!).

Saturday morning we got up and got to hang out with two of our pastor's kids. He just had his tonsils removed and the recovery is quite tough as an adult. Sam and I offered to take their kids for the morning and we did "normal family things" like go to Target and to the swimming pool. We had a great time! That afternoon, Sam brewed a beer and yet another church friend came over to play games/hangout which turned into dinner together.

Then this morning, we had the opportunity to worship at church and eat lunch in fellowship with some church members (plus a new visitor too!). As you can see, we had a very fun weekend full of different people from our church.

For those that don't know, when Sam and I moved here just over a year ago, one of our biggest concerns was finding a church body to be a part of. Well, God had big plans for us that were far bigger than we could have imagined; why am I always surprised by this? We worship with a new community here in Raleigh at Midtown Community Church. Currently our sermon series covers the values that our church carries and what that looks like. Today, we learned about being a renewed community and that it means we "eagerly look for ways to bring about transformation in our lives through worship, bible study and dialogue with God and others" (check out the website). And that is what we did this weekend. We lived in community with a body of believers that we worship and study the bible with. We enjoyed one another's company and shared our struggles with one another to be uplifted and held accountable to what we believe. How can that not be a great weekend?

God is doing great things in our lives here in Raleigh and the people in which we commune with are authentic, beautiful and uplifting. Now if only tomorrow was not Monday....

It has been a while!

So...I am not very good at this blogging hobby and don't even know if anyone will read this, but I have found some time tonight (surprisingly!) to reflect and write. I also have recently been enjoying reading a lot of others' blogs and having a glimpse of their daily life and observations. However, I have often found myself thinking, "Wow, they are so much better at life than I am." Or, "I wish that I were artistic, thoughtful and good at blogging." And most of all, I think "How can others sound positive all the time even when they are blogging about a bad day? I cannot seem to do that well." But then I realized how much I may have (or not have) to offer the world of blog readers out there. If anything, this may help me keep up on life and keep track of the positive events that I experience each day and use this as a way to look back on my growth.

First, an update! I have now finished one year of grad school and one year of being a Residence Director here at North Carolina State University (NCSU). And let me tell you, it has been quite the journey! I have learned a lot, grown a lot, made a lot of mistakes and am looking forward to another year like it (but feeling much more prepared). Sam and I lived apart this summer during the week as he had an internship in Virginia for the summer. That was hard and a blessing (but really it was hard) and we hope we never have to do it again. Best of all, we have an AMAZING church here in Raleigh. Our biggest fear for moving was finding a body of believers to live in community with and God provided that for us on our first visit to a church. And I can tell you, that this body of Christ has uplifted me this past year and a large reason that Sam and I are so happy here in Raleigh. Praise be to God!

This does not mean that life is grand all the time because we all know that it is not. In fact, my job causes a lot of frustration and stress in my life. I cannot explain my job to anyone on the "outside" (those that I do not work or study with) well enough for you to understand. Maybe this blog will help in the upcoming year, but if not, I guess that is okay. I think one of the biggest frustrations in my job is the long hours that I do not receive recognition or credit for. Yes, we all have long hours at work and I understand that. But it is much easier for someone in the medical field to explain why they worked long hours (especially my dad or father-in-law doing emergency and on-call work). Or someone who works with money; those numbers need to be crunched and perfect, so that takes a long time. However, how do I explain that the emails I sent helped my student staff connect well and build relationships with their residents? How do I explain that upholding community standards when a fire alarm goes off in my building at 1am is working long hours? How do I express that my work with a student in crisis (even small) is important to the world?

I feel as if my work is not understood and that I cannot explain it well enough myself to be understood. And this frustrates me because I don't have a lot of encouragement to keep me going. In fact, what I usually need most during these hard times with long, unpredictable hours is to be in the "real world". I need to be able to grab coffee, read a book for pleasure, connect with a friend. However, I struggle because my world is rarely understood by others. But, I am looking forward to this year ahead because I have learned to be better at unpredictable and live life amongst the craziness.

I found myself during RA training this year not as stressed because something didn't go according to plan, but already thinking of a new plan. I was shocked at how much I was able to create relationships with my student staff better from the start because I knew what needed to happen rather than fretting that I forgot something. I find this as a positive signal that my year will be better than last and a lot of the busy work will be naturally cut out having a year of experience already. This next year will bring many challenges, but I hope that I can carry my positive attitude through this. I know that this post is long and if you are still reading, thank you! I hope that you can help me through this year by reading my updates (which I hope will be shorter in the future), leaving comments for me, and praying for me. I want to be able to take a more positive perspective in whatever may come my way and also remember to rely on those around me.

Here's to a new attitude, approach and blog for the next year!

Living Each Day

So I am out of the slump from last week, or on the way out. I have had a few thoughts in the mean time about it and just wanted to bring a happier outlook on life from my perspective.

I am in a tough spot right now-knowing where I am going to be and not yet being there. It's too far away to really start living on the high of moving, but too soon to still be focusing on life right now. This is really tough for me and I have decided that I am really bad at living in the present. I am always thinking forward, trying to find things to change to make my life better, and not being content with what is now and today. I live my life too far into the future and place too many expectations on it rather than simply living. I sometimes convince myself that I am being strategic this way, but it's not helping to have this "strategy" because I am usually disappointed.

So, I just need to live today as today or this week as this week. I need to enjoy the rain outside right now and appreciate this not so often day off. I need to be satisfied with the fact that I am still not dressed nor have I really accomplished anything today, but instead think that I am resting for the busy end of the week. This is not easy for me, but I hope that I can get better at it.

Nothing too deep, just simply wanting to reflect on this in order to start changing how I perceive my days.

Discontentment

So, Sam and I are officially moving to North Carolina to attend graduate school. I have been offered the position as a resident director of a building, which allows for many financial blessings as well as some great professional experience. Sam does not currently have funding, but we will be able to work on that as the years progress. This is great news and an answer to prayer for us this past year. However, I am experiencing a really tough week right now and can't figure out why...

I should be jumping for joy everyday I feel because we have such great plans not too far off, right? I should be enjoying my last two months in Holland with friends, family, and our church because they have been so amazing to have in our lives. I should be thankful for so much. And yet, I am struggling to carry a positive attitude recently. I am EXTREMELY thankful for everything that I have and please do not think that I am throwing myself a pity party. But, that is why I am so confused with my discontentment. I feel as if I should be much more happy right now but that is not showing.

I am always tired, complaining about my work and my current lifestyle more often than I should, and thinking about myself way too much at times. I don't know if this is simply me needing to get over myself, or am I just wanting the future to come now? I am really looking forward to moving, but have some hesitations and fears as well-mostly leaving family and friends and having to recreate that in a brand new place. I am not enjoying my crazy, busy, inconsistent schedule, but know that is going to remain while in graduate school. Sometimes I just want to shake myself and yell at myself to snap out of it.

I am not a naturally positive person. In fact, I am much more critical than anything else and mostly of myself. So, I could be too hard on myself (that's not new!). Or, am I really struggling with something deeper here and being discontent? I have so many blessings in life here and now, why am I not celebrating these?

I don't have any answers, but simply needed to put my emotional mess into words to try to sort out these feelings. Please don't judge me for my Debbie Downer attitude, and instead maybe simply pray for a changed heart in me. I want to be that light that shines because God is at work in my life and no matter what, he is sovereign over all. I want that to be the message to those around me, not my discontentment and selfish attitude. So, thanks for listening/reading and helping me on this lifelong journey to be more joyful and thankful than critical. I hope to soon post something that is dramatically different than this and hope that you will continue to read my journey for becoming a better disciple :)

Reflection on The Wilderness

So I just returned from my Bible study and was very encouraged and uplifted while there. This has been a frequent feeling this year as well as a feeling that I have longed to have at many times. I am not one to write often, but my heart is overflowing right now that I cannot help but write down my thoughts and that is why I have succumbed to creating a blog. We will see how this goes as life can be very busy and not offer a lot of time for reflection, but I hope to blog often. Often is a relative term and I don't know how often often will be, but I would like to at least challenge myself to take the time to reflect in life more often than I do now.

This morning at Bible study, we were reading about The Wilderness that the Israelites were in for forty years and what that was physically like. It was not the green grass and pine needle blanket ground with large trees surrounding us that we in the West think of, but instead it was a dessert. A dry, hot, rocky land that did not offer much other than suffering. However, God often uses the Wilderness to teach and strengthen His people.

We are using our pastor's book In a Word and he had this book published based on his experiences of leading groups through the wilderness of the Holy Land. He says, "without fail, the travel groups I lead always find their souls being stirred by the wilderness". Well, this year has certainly been a wilderness for Sam and me. We graduated from college in May '09 and got married four weeks later. The day that we graduated, we did not have jobs, a place to live, or any indication of where that might be. However, God has led us through this wilderness and been faithful all the way through. It has been a struggle, but as Pastor George DeJong writes in his book, "And yet, mixed in with the hardships and temptations of the wilderness, there has always been grace. God fed his people there and spoke to them there. He prepared them for life and ministry there. With every step along the difficult wilderness paths, God revealed his great heart of Love."

God is doing great things within me and it has not been easy. I am working two jobs about 60 hours a week that I am way overqualified for. I was living pay check to pay check until recently. I am bored even amongst my crazy schedule. And this is not the life that I have been told my entire life that I would have.

However, God has given me grace and loved me. His love for me is more than I can ever know and because of that, I have continued to be faithful to him. He has blessed me at this point in my life: I have a great marriage, a church that I do not want to leave, a fully furnished and decorated apartment, a working car, two jobs, a full refrigerator, no anxiety about paying the bills, great health, wonderful family and friends...the list could go on even more. His faithfulness amazes me and that has what has kept me on this journey with a mostly positive attitude.

I am not trying to say that life is easy for me, but it is a lot easier than it could be. I hope to one day look back on my time in the wilderness and smile at who God had changed me to become and to laugh at the situation not with a mocking laugh, but with a mature laugh that allows for me to appreciate where God has brought me from.

I anticipate many more wildernesses in my lifetime and as George says, "We may long for a pampered and easy life, but the truth is, God's people have always been wilderness people". I hope that I can hold onto that faithfulness and endure anything that comes about in my wilderness. And if I cannot, I have an amazing community of faith to stand beside me through it and encourage me to keep running the race that God has set for me to run.