So I am out of the slump from last week, or on the way out. I have had a few thoughts in the mean time about it and just wanted to bring a happier outlook on life from my perspective.
I am in a tough spot right now-knowing where I am going to be and not yet being there. It's too far away to really start living on the high of moving, but too soon to still be focusing on life right now. This is really tough for me and I have decided that I am really bad at living in the present. I am always thinking forward, trying to find things to change to make my life better, and not being content with what is now and today. I live my life too far into the future and place too many expectations on it rather than simply living. I sometimes convince myself that I am being strategic this way, but it's not helping to have this "strategy" because I am usually disappointed.
So, I just need to live today as today or this week as this week. I need to enjoy the rain outside right now and appreciate this not so often day off. I need to be satisfied with the fact that I am still not dressed nor have I really accomplished anything today, but instead think that I am resting for the busy end of the week. This is not easy for me, but I hope that I can get better at it.
Nothing too deep, just simply wanting to reflect on this in order to start changing how I perceive my days.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Discontentment
So, Sam and I are officially moving to North Carolina to attend graduate school. I have been offered the position as a resident director of a building, which allows for many financial blessings as well as some great professional experience. Sam does not currently have funding, but we will be able to work on that as the years progress. This is great news and an answer to prayer for us this past year. However, I am experiencing a really tough week right now and can't figure out why...
I should be jumping for joy everyday I feel because we have such great plans not too far off, right? I should be enjoying my last two months in Holland with friends, family, and our church because they have been so amazing to have in our lives. I should be thankful for so much. And yet, I am struggling to carry a positive attitude recently. I am EXTREMELY thankful for everything that I have and please do not think that I am throwing myself a pity party. But, that is why I am so confused with my discontentment. I feel as if I should be much more happy right now but that is not showing.
I am always tired, complaining about my work and my current lifestyle more often than I should, and thinking about myself way too much at times. I don't know if this is simply me needing to get over myself, or am I just wanting the future to come now? I am really looking forward to moving, but have some hesitations and fears as well-mostly leaving family and friends and having to recreate that in a brand new place. I am not enjoying my crazy, busy, inconsistent schedule, but know that is going to remain while in graduate school. Sometimes I just want to shake myself and yell at myself to snap out of it.
I am not a naturally positive person. In fact, I am much more critical than anything else and mostly of myself. So, I could be too hard on myself (that's not new!). Or, am I really struggling with something deeper here and being discontent? I have so many blessings in life here and now, why am I not celebrating these?
I don't have any answers, but simply needed to put my emotional mess into words to try to sort out these feelings. Please don't judge me for my Debbie Downer attitude, and instead maybe simply pray for a changed heart in me. I want to be that light that shines because God is at work in my life and no matter what, he is sovereign over all. I want that to be the message to those around me, not my discontentment and selfish attitude. So, thanks for listening/reading and helping me on this lifelong journey to be more joyful and thankful than critical. I hope to soon post something that is dramatically different than this and hope that you will continue to read my journey for becoming a better disciple :)
I should be jumping for joy everyday I feel because we have such great plans not too far off, right? I should be enjoying my last two months in Holland with friends, family, and our church because they have been so amazing to have in our lives. I should be thankful for so much. And yet, I am struggling to carry a positive attitude recently. I am EXTREMELY thankful for everything that I have and please do not think that I am throwing myself a pity party. But, that is why I am so confused with my discontentment. I feel as if I should be much more happy right now but that is not showing.
I am always tired, complaining about my work and my current lifestyle more often than I should, and thinking about myself way too much at times. I don't know if this is simply me needing to get over myself, or am I just wanting the future to come now? I am really looking forward to moving, but have some hesitations and fears as well-mostly leaving family and friends and having to recreate that in a brand new place. I am not enjoying my crazy, busy, inconsistent schedule, but know that is going to remain while in graduate school. Sometimes I just want to shake myself and yell at myself to snap out of it.
I am not a naturally positive person. In fact, I am much more critical than anything else and mostly of myself. So, I could be too hard on myself (that's not new!). Or, am I really struggling with something deeper here and being discontent? I have so many blessings in life here and now, why am I not celebrating these?
I don't have any answers, but simply needed to put my emotional mess into words to try to sort out these feelings. Please don't judge me for my Debbie Downer attitude, and instead maybe simply pray for a changed heart in me. I want to be that light that shines because God is at work in my life and no matter what, he is sovereign over all. I want that to be the message to those around me, not my discontentment and selfish attitude. So, thanks for listening/reading and helping me on this lifelong journey to be more joyful and thankful than critical. I hope to soon post something that is dramatically different than this and hope that you will continue to read my journey for becoming a better disciple :)
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