Discontentment

So, Sam and I are officially moving to North Carolina to attend graduate school. I have been offered the position as a resident director of a building, which allows for many financial blessings as well as some great professional experience. Sam does not currently have funding, but we will be able to work on that as the years progress. This is great news and an answer to prayer for us this past year. However, I am experiencing a really tough week right now and can't figure out why...

I should be jumping for joy everyday I feel because we have such great plans not too far off, right? I should be enjoying my last two months in Holland with friends, family, and our church because they have been so amazing to have in our lives. I should be thankful for so much. And yet, I am struggling to carry a positive attitude recently. I am EXTREMELY thankful for everything that I have and please do not think that I am throwing myself a pity party. But, that is why I am so confused with my discontentment. I feel as if I should be much more happy right now but that is not showing.

I am always tired, complaining about my work and my current lifestyle more often than I should, and thinking about myself way too much at times. I don't know if this is simply me needing to get over myself, or am I just wanting the future to come now? I am really looking forward to moving, but have some hesitations and fears as well-mostly leaving family and friends and having to recreate that in a brand new place. I am not enjoying my crazy, busy, inconsistent schedule, but know that is going to remain while in graduate school. Sometimes I just want to shake myself and yell at myself to snap out of it.

I am not a naturally positive person. In fact, I am much more critical than anything else and mostly of myself. So, I could be too hard on myself (that's not new!). Or, am I really struggling with something deeper here and being discontent? I have so many blessings in life here and now, why am I not celebrating these?

I don't have any answers, but simply needed to put my emotional mess into words to try to sort out these feelings. Please don't judge me for my Debbie Downer attitude, and instead maybe simply pray for a changed heart in me. I want to be that light that shines because God is at work in my life and no matter what, he is sovereign over all. I want that to be the message to those around me, not my discontentment and selfish attitude. So, thanks for listening/reading and helping me on this lifelong journey to be more joyful and thankful than critical. I hope to soon post something that is dramatically different than this and hope that you will continue to read my journey for becoming a better disciple :)